A hidden garden

I have a feeling this will be quite a long post. Yesterday I went to do groceries and tried to stick to my budget. It didn't go as well as last week; I stayed below 200$ but I spent more than I wanted to... that being said, the 1L of Nama Shoyu I bought was really what put me over the edge. I can't believe that's 26$! Eep!

Today was the day I was to meet with my spiritual teacher/therapist. The woman is on a different level than the rest of us. She's incredibly wise. The whole experience was very different from what I had expected.

First we chatted about the condition and my reason for coming. She asked me my date of birth to see if the condition was karmic in nature. She started doing some numerology and mentioned how this condition basically came about when I was 8; from not getting the support that I needed from my mother and having my spirit crushed as a result. It's interesting that she picked up on this. The shit really hit the fan when I was 8; that's when I started getting picked on and, to make matters worse, my parents were very distant. My mom had tendencies that were similar to being bipolar; this left me really confused as a child; how she could be so loving one minute and so hurtful the next. My home life revolved around trying to make sure the volcano didn't erupt.

Next she listened to my pulse for a bit, looked at my eyes and tongue. She basically said that I'm very 'clean' and that my organs are working really well. The issue is a surface issue and really has to do with my nerves and repressed anger. She said she will teach me techniques to release this anger in a safe way and we'll have to work together to get my body to relax and feel safe.

She also said that she feels I'm running on reserved energy; I totally feel this way since I stopped the juice feast. I pretty much had concluded I was just burnt from working 7 days/week for so long.

We talked about diet too. She wanted me to introduce ghee into my diet; neither raw nor vegan. I expressed how I'd be willing to introduce cooked foods into my diet but I am very committed to the vegan thing. She came up with hemp oil as a good substitute. Yuck! Hehehe. She explained how in ayurvedic medicine, certain spices are better with raw foods while others need to be in cooked dishes to act properly (like tumeric for example). She explained that for my body type (Vata - Air), raw foods is really hard to do because it increases the vata in the body. She says this is why I have lots of energy but in short spurts; extreme ups and downs. This also makes me a bit spacey.

So I guess that's a bit of a bummer; I was doing so well with not craving cooked foods. Ultimately though, I have to make the changes that will benefit me and rid me of the condition. She says I'll still be able to eat lots of raw foods (salads, etc) but there will be some vegan cooked foods. That being said, I've always believed that, as long as foods are whole and organic, there are worse things than cooking those foods.

She'll also introduce me to some yoga asanas to help me and it will be very important for me to meditate everyday. She said that in three weeks, I should start seeing some changes.

The whole experience was really cool! :) She didn't say so, but I could feel she was being 'guided' when coming up with a system for me.

When I went to bike back to work, I noticed my back wheel was broken; the axel was popped. I had to walk my bike all the way back to work. That was a 2.5 mile walk. After work, I walked my bike to this new bike shop that just opened up in my neighborhood. They're going to fix it for just 22$!! I added a tune up to the whole deal; 60$ total. I should have it back by the end of the weekend. Whoo hoo!

Well that's all I have to say. Are you disappointed that I'll be falling off the raw-wagon? I guess a lot of people are 80% raw right? Sigh... I was doing so good! :P

- Ben

PS: One of the nicest things the teacher told me is that I am like this beautiful garden, in the middle of a forest that I decided no one would ever get to see. I've shielded myself from love to avoid being hurt. We're going to work on showing that garden to the world. She also said that I need to feel love; not the love of a parent, friend or partner... but that of a teacher that expects nothing out of me. That's where she comes in. :)